He said, "No one cares about you."

I collapsed. Those are the words I tell myself everyday, but hearing them come from his lips just crushed me.

I don't know what to do.

I am awake and its not even 10.

I had to wake up at 8:30 this morning so I could get a new learners because I am a lame 18 year old who is too lazy to get her license and is and idiot and loses her wallet and Virginia permit and needs to take a plane to Virginia in a day!

Yeah, I know, I rule.

So I got done doing that at about 9 (my grandpa took me :D) and I was dropped off downtown, got some hot cocoa and iced chai, even though its like -2 out, I then decided I was going to get bagels at Brueggers and bring one to Ryan. I got him a Jalapeño Cheddar with butter because I think I saw him eat that once. So after that I went to city market and warmed it and grabbed packets of hot sauce. my hand almost froze off on the 2 minute walk there so I decided gloves would be a good idea and found a pair in my backpack. When i got outside I realized I forgot to zip my coat but kept going anyway. Now I am at Big Heavy World and Ryan isn't even here yet. I guess he's not supposed to be in for 3 for minutes.

I am originally writing this in a bulletin but I think I am just going to put it in my blogspot thing.

I leave for Virginia in a day. Wow, I don't know if I want to go or not. I want to be here with Ryan and make more moneys for my bank account but I want to see family and friends. I am making a couple people come with me to get tattoos.

Uh oh Ryan is late for work! Bad boy!

Um yeah. I think I am going to play tetris.

I've been so down lately.
You've been so low lately.
Nothing seems to work out for you and me.
For you and me.

I've been so down lately.
You've been so low lately.
Nothing seems to work out for you and me.

Sister says we can buy it all back at the grocery store.
Baby brother really fucked it up this time.
This isn't fun anymore, it's not as fun as it was.
It's just the girl in her says it doesn't matter anyway.

I've been so down lately.
You've been so low lately.
Nothing seems to work out for you and me.

Sometimes its not enough.

I am not enough.

Why hasn't my camera come yet?

I want to add pictures to thisss.

I hate Sears now. it was supposed to be here on the 11th so I called the Sears online store and told the I haven't received it and they said it was out of stock and I would get it late this week.

Their phone was so quit that's what I THINK they said. Plus Ryan was nagging me and poking me and distracting me and i tried to push him away so I could hear and then he got really mad at me and said that I do that to him all the time but I never do. Sometimes I ask him questions but never when he is actually trying to talk, like if he's on hold or its still ringing.

Gotta go.

So today I found out the guy who told me he is supposedly in love with me is now dating this girl. I told him he was a liar, because he is. Either he really is in love with me and is lying to this girl about it or he wasn't ever in love with me.

Either way it doesn't really matter all that much to me. I told him not to talk to me ever again so he blocked me on myspace which is fine because I deleted him anyway...

I deleted a lot of people. I wanted to delete it completely.

Ryan says he is going to delete his but I know he won't. Actually today he said he was just going to keep it for me and a few other people and delete everyone else. We'll see. I don't believe him at all.

That's not good is it?

Well I'm tired and getting sick of the DotA noises so I am going to watch a movieee.

Goodnight.

So I am sitting at work, No one has been here so far today.

I can tell its going ot be a very boring day. I'm listening to American Nightmare even though I am not really interested in hardcore anymore.

I am not really interested in any music anymore.

I just listen to it to seem normal I guess.

There are a few bands that I actually enjoy listening to. Alkaline Trio being one.

I love Alkaline Trio because the remind me of Junior year, driving around with Lisa. I would always complain because she would just put the same song over and over again. But I would still sing along.

I miss those days sometimes.

I don't miss feeling trapped all the time though. That was the worst. I don't miss thinking about my ex boyfriend because there was no on else to think about. I don't miss being in school.

Maybe I don't miss much. Maybe I just miss Lisa. But at the same time I would never want to move in with her again. I like that we live far apart and hardly get to see each other. It makes me appreciate her more. I like talking to her online and playing FFR together. I like talking to her about boy problems.

And boy, are there a lot of problems.

There are some that I haven't told her about. But I'm sure she'll read this so I might as well say it.

A certain guy friend of mine (He has a very unusual name so I will not say it) no longer wants anything to do with me unless I become his girlfriend. This, to me is very unfair. i cannot make very many friends because most girls annoy me and most guys like me.

A few days back he told me he was in love with me. he says he can't tlak to me anymore because the fact that I am not with him hurts too much.

I'm sorry, but if I was in love with my friend and he didn't feel the same about me I wouldn't completely block this person out of my life. i would prefer to be friends instead of losing this person completely.

Sighh.

I was also talking to this other guy that i was involved with a while back and he asked me to write down what we did, all the fun adventures that we went on because he wanted to write about it but probably couldn't remember it all because he was drunk and I have a feeling he fried a lot of his brains since I last saw him.

So I wrote it al down and then I decided, "Hey I should do this with everyone."

Well I got to my first real boyfriend, I wrote about how we met, how he asked me out, about my favorite memories, my worst memories, and my most recent memories.

After that I realized how much of a joke 9th grade relationships are. And how silly it was of me to miss him for all those years.

One day, I will continue writing down my experiences, but for now, I am just going to write down what happens now.

Alright. Ryan just got online so i guess I'm just going to talk to him now.

Bye.